My Personal Letter to a friend during my darkest hour. It was Spring, May 2011, just three months after returning from CMN hospital in San Luis, Sonora Mexico. I was treated with alternative cancer treatments for a recurrence of stage 4 breast cancer. The cancer was bad and had spread to all lobes of my lungs, bones and lymph nodes. I was in a lot of pain, terrified and afraid the treatment was not working.
I get emails from brave cancer warriors (Mostly women late stage) asking me how long did it take to start noticing my body healing after treatment? My answer is not what you would think because my health got worse before I improved. Publicly I seemed courageous, and I have to say that I’ve had my worst fears and greatest courage through the cancer journey.
I feel this letter is imperative to anyone facing cancer, who thinks I was brave through my entire experience. A dear friend wrote me a letter, and I want to share it and be transparent with all who feel bad about “losing it” now and then. I see now that it was the darkest time in my life, which was right before I started to feel the healing. If I did not experience this, I don’t think I would have the insight or empathy to share with others who are terrified.
This letter reveals how my faith was failing and fear was consuming me. However, at the end of the letter, you will see I still had hope and faith.
A dear friend wrote me to ask how I was doing and if she was bothering me by checking on me?” I am not sharing her actual letter to honor her privacy. My response below depicts the fear, struggle, and anger (Cancer Grief) I was going through, and I do not think she was expecting such an emotional response from me.
My letter Response: From Shannon Jennifer Knight
May 3 2011, at 12:33pm
My breathing is getting worse; it’s been hard times, and my lungs feel like there is a knife in it. I am not very positive today and feel so small. Heaven is where God wants us; eventually, He wants us to be with Him, so why do we fight to hang on here? The tumors are growing rapidly, and I feel like I have been wasting my time trying to get well. I know you think this is probably Satan working his stuff on me. We don’t always get what we pray for. Since we last talked, two women are now in a coma and very sick from chemotherapy. I feel like when we pray, God will do what He wants anyway and He already has a plan for us. So, are we praying against “His plan”? I hope my letter does not upset you. It’s just me and the pain and the fear (God made me with “all emotions”). I do not believe He thought I would get through life without my fears and just be gleeful and joyful all the time! He made me human and felt guilty for feeling fear is not working anymore. Fear is an emotion and Satan did NOT have a hand in our creation. God created my entire being, my anger, my joy, my fear, etc. I am trying to come to terms with my emotions, and it ‘s hard. I watched a true story last night. I was saddened to see all the Christians killing the Pagans. Our world is full of craziness, and it has me so sad. What a mess!
Forgive me for being so blunt, and I do not mean to sway you at all from your faith, I admire it, but I lack it right now. I am one woman just clacking away at a keyboard in a big universe. Do you know how tiny that is, with the billions of people, especially people being murdered that are pleading for God’s help? The Congo, Juarez (both dealing with femicide) I am so small to be expecting Him to answer my prayers right now. If I am worse this week, maybe, it is just meant to be, I’m just Shannon out of how many Shannon’s and how many women who are fighting this disease? We have free will, and we must choose the right treatment, and I am trying so hard, but I feel it is so futile when I see so little change after being so confident and full of hope. I have never been like this, and here it is, I am finally to the point where I just think God lets us make choices, and then we all die at different times, “but eventually we die” and go to a better place. I don’t think praying anymore will change what God already has planned for me. I believe in Him, I believe He sent His son to die for our sins, and by the blood of Jesus we are saved, but right now I believe, that death does not mean the same thing for God as it does for us. “We are afraid to let go and return to Him.” He knows it’s the best place we could ever hope to be and yet we don’t dare pray for it because to do that, we would look suicidal! We pray to stay alive and expect God to answer that prayer. He takes us when He wants to!
I know how lost I seem, I do! I am sitting right now wondering if I scared you away by hitting the send key to deliver this letter. I love you, and I am so glad you are in my life. What if I bring you down? What if I insult your faith with my personal interpretation of God’s will? Why am I jealous of survivors right now? What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I want to just for once cook whatever I used to cook because it is delicious? Homemade Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn, my homemade Italian meatballs that are simply the best with angel hair pasta and sauce which is out of this world. I miss my favorite carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I am tired of waking up, and everything has to do with this disease. Eat all the foods I don’t even like. You should taste my homemade lasagna. I even make the best pumpernickel croutons. Now, everything I love to eat is not good for me! Forgive me for being so honest about how I feel, please forgive me. I don’t want to scare you away; I need your friendship, and I am hurting and don’t want to take pain pills because they stop me up.
xoxo xoxo ~Shannon
PS. You don’t bug me too much, you never have and you never will.
Let me just say today, I pray to God, and I know I am worth it! My faith is strong.